Blessed by an Angel

I lay here night after night and recall the events that forever changed me as a sister, mother, and wife. Some nights when I lay here I feel comfort knowing that Tenley is in heaven and doesn't feel the pain she would have felt here on earth. When we were given the news that Tenley had a large tumor growing on her body it was an outer body experience. I couldn't even keep track of all of the doctors that talked to us that night and went over one complication after another that we should prepare ourselves for. I went home that night from the hospital thinking this can't be happening. What do you mean my niece isn't going to be healthy? I didn't sleep at all that night. Day after day I would visit my sister in the hospital and feel more optimistic that things were going to be OK. With each day my sister Hanah remained pregnant was time for Tenley to grow stronger and ready for delivery.



I got the call Thursday July 21st on my way to work that today was the day my baby niece would be born. When I arrived to the hospital Hanah was getting a blood transfusion because she developed an extremely rare condition called Mirror Syndrome. When the transfusions were complete it was time for Hanah to have her C-Section. That is when the room got quite and reality set in. There were a lot of tears watching my sister get wheeled away to surgery. So many things were going through my mind. What would Tenley look like? How small will she be? Will Hanah be OK? The only thing that didn't cross my mind was that Tenley wasn't going to survive. The doctors told us that after Tenley is born we could see her before Louie and the surgeons walked her to Primary Children’s for surgery. As we waited and waited and waited it became obvious to everyone that we weren't going to see her before her surgery and that something went wrong. I felt like the world was crashing down around me and I was consumed with so much worry that I felt like I couldn't even breathe.

This is the part that gets blurry because I don't remember what was said or even how I made it into Hanah's recovery room. Once we were in Hanah's recovery room we still remained optimistic that Tenley was alive and undergoing the surgery that was discussed. It was overwhelming seeing my sister in so much pain I wanted to just take it all away. By the time we got the phone call Hanah's medication started to kick in and she was very groggy. I thought to myself when the phone rang the surgery was over and we'll get to see her soon. As I watched Louie talk to the surgeon on the phone it became evident that things didn't go as planned. His voice started to shake and his head dropped. I knew right then and there with everyone else in the room what just happened. I rushed to my sister's side and just about collapsed when the nurse wrapped her arms around me while I cried. Everyone was crying and then Hanah asked "What is going on?" Because she was so medicated she didn't realize what had just happened. Louie said to her "She didn't make it. They tried everything." The surgeon told us that we could come and see her if we would like. We all made what felt like a very long walk from the University to Primary Children's through a labyrinth of halls. Everyone thought it would be best for Hanah and Louie to see her first together and have time with her alone. I remember standing at the nursing station in the OR when they wheeled her past me and I couldn't bare to look. They took Hanah, Louie, and Tenley into a very sterile white room with a sheet covering the window so they could have privacy. Shortly after someone came out of the room and said you can all come in now. When I saw her I immediately thought she's an angel. She was dressed and wrapped in blankets and looked so peaceful. We all took turns holding our little angel Tenley. She was so beautiful and had so much dark hair. She was also very small and light as a feather.

The next day we got to see her again but this time in Hanah’s recovery room and it was so much more comforting knowing we could spend as much time with her as we wanted. The nurses arranged for a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures of her. I feel so thankful that we have beautiful pictures of her to remember her by.

I learned through this experience that my sister is so incredibly strong and such a loving mother. I also learned that I need to start living my life as if it was my last day. I need to be patient with the people I love, go after my dreams, and be grateful for every experience that I have. I miss Tenley and wish so badly that I could have seen her grow. I feel sad that Ella will only know her cousin through pictures and an ultrasound video. Most of all I feel devastated for my sisters loss.

One day I’ll see my niece again and she’ll be just as perfect as I remember her being.